The Heather Thing.
“I don’t even like mentioning that bitches name” you told me.
Funny how you’re scared of uttering a name, yet you’ll tell me-your girlfriend of two years- every little detail about your amazing life that you had with her. You have made me hate myself and everything about me because of her.
I have never felt insecure, ugly, fat, gross, ever once in my life. Not until I met you. What kind of boyfriend rells his current girlfriend about how incredible his first love was, how beautiful and “perfect” she is?
My mistake was taking the time to look her up on facebook.
Start the self hatred.
She’s has the best of you, and even though you both are broken up, she’s still perfect. She is beautiful, is married, lives her life doing what she wants to do. Everyone loves her and she’s simply flawless.
He says they mutually broke up, but we all know that’s not true. She stuck with him through everything, thick and thin. He can’t talk about one thing from his past without mentioning something about her. When he thinks back on vacations, he thinks about her. When he thinks about birthdays, he thinks about her and the amazing sex they had on those days, or on his 21st birthday how they celebrated in vegas. When he thinks about small dogs, he doesn’t see mine, he sees hers. When he talks about clothes, music, and television shows, she is always mentioned. I would have no problem dating a guy who has had a past, but I can’t date someone who is not over his, and makes his current girlfriend feel worthless to the world.
Heather, I have never wished to be anyone more than I have wished to be you. I’d love to trade places with you for one day, just to see how amazing you’ve got it. I an strive to be the best I can be but I know I can’t hold a candle to you. I just want to know when all of this self-hatred will go away and I can finally be me again.
When will I be able to eat normally, not look at food and fear what it does to me-and think of Heather’s flawless body in my mind? When will I be able to confidently take a picture, or step out into the world without feeling like some sort of failure? When will be be me again?
When I feel a bug on me
Just some light reading before bed, NBD.
I am legitimately scared.
We were Love.
“you’re falling out of love with me, aren’t you?”
those words stung at me like a million little needles. It was true, but it was something I thought I would never hear you say, because I didn’t think you would figure it out. I didn’t even know that that’s what it was, but hwen i saw you break down in my arms, I know I had let you down.
You are my everything, but you and I aren’t working out right now. as much as i love you, and I will always love you, our time apart will make our time together stronger. and i’m not talking about distance here.
I can still recall the look on your face after you said that. Like a child who just took a hard fall, where the facial expression of a waterfall of tears comes before the tears itself. your eyes clenched shut, your mouth open, unable to utter another single word.
Like many other things we have done in fornt of each other that will never go away, this is one of them. You are the most beautiful. wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and from you I have learned. I have learned what its like to love someone, and to get love in return. I have learned what it’s like to trust someone who has broken your trust before, making something as difficult as forgiving look impossibly simple. I know what it’s like to be in love, to be so silly and crazy and happily and madly and sadly and blindly in love, I now know what it’s like to swear you’ll never have a guy hurt you and you cry at least once a week over the smallest of things, like a missed phone call, or an over-interpreted text message. Then again, a missed phone call is like a missed date when it comes to a long distance relationship, which i promise you, will never work out.
Thinking about losing you is hard, but thinking about you with anyone else could be my breaking point. I can only hope, that if you are with another girl in your life, that she makes you smile that same wide eyed, 32 toothed smile that makes me melt everything I see it. I hope you have funny jokes you can share, quirks you’ll love about her, a body that will make you melt with a single touch. I hope she can sacrifice all of your flaws for you, which is something I had to deal with since day -7 of our relationship. I hope she can look over your turbulent past, understand that you’ve made mistakes, and I hope you can look her in the eyes, and sincerely tell her that you’ll never make that mistake again - although you will- and she’ll be the type of girl to apologize and never see you’re wrong. that’s what youve always wanted all along. I hope she’s beautiful, she charms your family. I hope she’s your trophy you like to bring everywhere.
Most of all, i hope that when the day comes, when she asks about about the last girl you loved and why it didn’t work out, I hope you remember me. in my curly-haired mess of bones, with a raspy voice and loud laugh. Remember the girl who loved you, who sacrifices living under her roof for you. Remember the girl who looked at you like you were her world, that you were the only thing that mattered and you were the only one who cared. I hope you tell her every aspect of our relationship, the highs and the lows, I hope you remember until you cry, because you’ll eventually remember how much you really loved me, and how what we had was real. we were real. we were love.
Visible Children: We got trouble.
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numb.
I have no feelings or emotion anymore. Like my mind has gone completely numb for absolutely no reason. I get small bursts of happiness, but other than that, it’s gone. Oh, I forgot to mention that you house is a trigger and being with you is probably the cause. But I also know that staying in this town after our breakup will do more harm than good. Should I string you along like i believe you’ve done to me for the past year and a half-to date? or should I force myself to fake it until it becomes real with you again. I’m not too sure, For I’m a little numb right now and my mind isn’t making any sort of sense at all.
